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Toni Braxton - Libra

At 38 years mold, Toni Braxton is back. And, based on her expertly airbrushed album cover, shawty is still banging. I once read an article in Vibe where Toni talked about how she is open to anything sexual when it comes to pleasing her man. I likes that. So anyway, when I saw this CD in Tower, I instantly referenced the Vibe piece, looked at the picture on the cover, and bought it ASAP. I opened it for the review, but when I'm done, I'm gonna saran wrap this bitch and give it to my lady as a syllabus.

So anyway, this album is entitled Libra, which is zodiac symbolism for balance. Or, justice maybe. Anyway, astrology is weird to me. Like, mad weird. What do the stars have to do with when my parents decided to do the grossest thing I can ever imagine them doing? I'm telling you, people that believe in this shit are truly fucking crazy. Now, I'll admit...I know very little about anything, but I'm pretty sure that your personality is not based on outer space. This dude I used to be cool with, Brandon, had hardback books dedicated to this crap. He was a Leo, which conveniently justified every shitty thing he ever did. Anyway, we used to have heated arguements about it constantly. To irritate him, I would call astrology, alien religion...and the different signs, denominations. Lol. He used to get seriously vexed about that shit. He later punched me in my face on Sunset Blvd. in front of tons of people, but that was about something else all together. Anyway, let's get started.

Ok, I read about this song. Originally, it was supposed to be entitled, Breathe, but Fabolous beat her to the punch. He released last year's hood smash by the same name, so Toni was forced to change the title. Unfortunate? Yes. But karmaticaly, Toni won in the end. Apparently, the Just Blaze produced song didn't get sample clearance, so he got sued big time. He had to pay $100,000 up front, and was forced to relinquish all of the publishing. Now, I don't really give two shits about Toni, nor Fabolous...but, considering I hate his teeth, more than I hate her ass, this was decent news. [pressing play...]

Whoa. Shit yea. Scott Storch on the beat and this muh'fucka is killer. I'm telling you, Scott kills everything he touches. He is Jewish, fucks Lil Kim, and has the cleanest, crispest beats in hip-hop. More importantly, he dispells the Palestinian myth that Jews are dirty little rat people with no soul. Fuck what they're talking about. Scott has tons of soul.

Nuff bout him...check Toni's lyrics on the hook...

If he needs good lovin', I got it/
If I need to heat it up, I got fire/
Betcha I'm the best for him/
for sho and/
He's runnin home for me for it/
And he knows whatever he wants, that I'm wit it/
And he knows the perfect place to come get it/
And he knows that every woman is in me/
Fall back and just let me be/
I gots to breathe.

WHOA...thats what I'm fucking talking about! Ladies(mine in particular), take note. This album gets 5 forties so far. She is working her way down from here.

Yo, check the title...Toni sounding kinda hip hop with her old ass. And I must say, I likes it. [pressing play...]

Oops. Scratch that, cuz this ain't hip hop yall. But yo, no frontin, i don't know why...but I kinda like the shit. Only problem is, she is singing exactly like R. Kelly. That sing-rap-talk style he is famous for. And by the way, I don't care when his parents boned, R. Kelly is a piss-poor example of a human being. No alien sign justifies urinating on children.

What's Good
More hip hop terminology with this title. And again, I likes it. Toni is hip.

Oh, fuck yea. I fucks with Toni right now. On this one, she is rocking to the sample from Tupac's, Dear Mama. Now, I know the proper thing to do would be to shout out the originator of this song. You know, the dude that actually wrote the shit, or whatever. But, fuck that. Tupac is king. I know it sounds ridonkulous and probably overly serious, but I honestly think dude would have saved the hood had he been able to live, teach, preach, and inspire. Dog was the truth.

Take This Ring
Take this ring? Fat chance. Gangbangin' is my wife. And, believe me...I beat that bitch to death.

Whoa...on second thought...Toni, where do I sign? I'm your man. This shit is alright by me. Do ya'll know Rich Harrison? The dude that produces that half-Wang / half-Jackson chick, Amerie? He also did Beyonce's, So Much In Love. Anyway, Dog is putting Go-Go on the map. And, it's about time, cuz D.C.(minus the super fag-a-demic going on there) deserves it's shine. This isn't one of his tightest, and it sounds exactly like everything Half-Wang has ever done, but at the least, Marion Berry would be proud.

Hmm...ok, this is one is definitely homo'ish and definitely a bit sentimental, but still not bad. You'd skip it, but you wouldn't be blown if you were forced into listening to it.

Off topic...but, did you know, in Japan, they don't ask your sign, but they ask your blood type? Different than America's zodiology, but just as ridiculous, they believe that certain blood types go better with other blood types. I've done a shitload of clubbing in Tokyo, and that's usually the first question a rovery rady will ask when approaching you. I didn't (and still don't) know mine, so I chose B Negative. It seemed to work pretty well, and plus, it comes off way smoother than the HIV sounding, A Positive.

I wanna be (Your Baby)
OK...this sucks. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Sposed to Bee
Geezus. That title is a little too hip. Borderline asinine.

Well, I give her a little credit. Not for this song, cuz it sucks, but the title on the back of the CD is, Sposed to Be. Still ghetto, but at least it's not, Bee. For some reason, it loads up in my iTunes that way. Anywhoo, did I say this sucks, already? I can't amember. Just in case...this sucks.

I couldn't think of a better title myself. This is ear terrorism at it's worst.

Slow song here, but really, not so bad. On this one, Toni rocks to the same sample as the Mobb Deep classic, Give Up The Goods on their first CD, The Infamous. Well, that's assuming you don't count that gay ass party album they put out as children. Now, no question, Toni is an old bag of bones, but she has the formula for faking youth perfected. This song isn't great, but still a smart move.

Yikes! Freaky title, right there. And speaking of ghosts, no bullshit, the other day, I saw my Two-way, slide across the carpet. Well, not exactly slide, but yo, the shit moved like 3 inches. There wasn't an earthquake, and magicians aren't allowed in my house...So really, there was no other explanation. I swear to Biggie, the shit just moved. Fucked my whole day up. Oh yea, the song, [pressing play...]

This song is just Toni and a guitar. The formula for suckness.

Well, that's the album. Not as good as the first 4 or so songs suggested, but still...not bad. I would say this album is worth about 3 forties. I was thinking about throwing in an extra one for Toni's sexyness, but I just went back and read the review, and noticed how boring and serious it was. So, because of that, I'm subtracting 1 forty as punishment for my shitty review. Sorry, Toni.

I'm out.

3 out of 5

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