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Who is Mike Jones?

Who is Mike Jones? Now, don't start jumping out of your chairs with the answer, because trust me, I don't care. But it's the name of the album, which I've been asked to review, so I have to at least write it on the page.

I'm preparing for this album to be very ungood due to the fact that Mike is 1) from Houston, and 2) not Scarface. But, being as though I love underdogs, I am now clearing my mind and ready to give Mr. Plain Name a shot.

Back Then
You see, this right here is precisely the reason why I hate both,Texas and Texans. On this song, Mike Jones shows his difficulty with the English language coupled with a total inability to connect thoughts. I don't really know how to describe this beat, but I'll try my best to be as clear as possible.

About every 30 seconds or so, you will hear the electric guitar from Eazy E's, "Boyz N The Hood". The riff lasts about 2.5 seconds. Everything else is shitty.

Flossin' (Feat. Big Moe)
Initially, I assumed that the title of this song referred to the act of having a good time while cruising down your local strip, but after listening closer, I think it might have something to do with the piece of steak stuck between my teeth.

Still Tippin' (Feat. Slim Thug and Paul Wall)
Anyone with BET knows this slow as molasses song. The not-so-slim, Slim Thug, is featured on here and starts his verse mentioning something about the long package in his pants. Considering, women never listen to this type of crap, I can only assume that Slim Hug is the biggest Homosessual in Texas. Mike Jones has a studder attack as he repeats the same stupid and untrue sentence 4 times in a row and the caucasian, Paul Wall, uses his verse to prove that under achievement is a class issue, rather than race. Thanks Paul. This song is popular, but so was Coolio.

Got It Sewed Up (Remix)
Hmm, now, on my downloaded version of this song it says remix, so I'm assuming that the album version of this song is amazingly shittier than this song. On this one, Mike "ego-maniac" Jones, samples his own name for the chorus and then goes a step further by saying it 22 additional times. Mr. Rainman, also shows how gutsy he can be by choosing only 5 sentences to repeat throughout the whole song.

Scandalous Hoes
This beat uses a sample of some song my mom used to rock at the top of her shitty ass speakers. Now, I agree with the title and message, but Mike had no right to ruin a perfectly classic song. Note: Michael says his name 12 times on this song.

Screw Dat
Based on this title, I'm assuming that this song is going to be the screwed type like those Houston syrup-heads like to listen to. [Pressing play...]

In actuality, aside from the Frankenstein sounding dude on the chorus, this is an attempt at a normal song. Monster Man keeps repeating, "We gon' screw dat" throughout the entire song, but nothing ever really happens.

Turning Lane
Mike Jones is a marketing machine. In the first 4 seconds of this song, Mike Jones says his full, slave name 3 times.

No bullshit, this entire song is about sitting in the turning lane of an intersection. I swear to Biggie Smalls, Mr. Jones talks about all the different things you can accomplish while attempting to make a left. Mike watches the Matrix, gets brain from my dame, grips his hammer, drinks some purple stuff, stains the street with his paint job, and tells a man to chill, all while sitting in the turning lane. This song is amazing.

Laws Patrolling (Feat. CJ)
A couple of Mike's best friends get on this track with him, accomplishing something I have never seen before. They actually suck less than the star. But don't get me wrong...nothing great is happening here. Outside of Beyonce's ass and Scarface, Texas has nothing coming.

5 Years From Now
Hopefully, the title of this song is referring to Mike's release date from the schizo ward. Anybody that needs to remind themselves of their own name more than once in a lifetime, is a bit crackers, if you ask me.

On this one, Mike says his name 7 times in the first 15 seconds and then samples that Netherlands cackle, "Yode lay di whoooo". This song reminds me of the worst day of my life.

What Ya Know About (Feat. Paul Wall)
Again, Mike's boys successfully outshine him on this track. Both guest stars mention neon lights inside of the trunks of their car, which I suppose is super kewl in Houston. What losers.

Know What I'm Sayin? (Feat. Bun B)
Mike, you have a lot nerve posing a question like that as a song title. I don't believe anybody outside of flat-ass Texas knows what you're saying. Bun B is on this, but the song still sucks ass.

Type Of Nigga U Need
Oh my hoodness, a love song...LOL. I promise, this is one of the Wham-est jams I've ever come across. Please download this crap for kicks.

Hmm...this is the first semi-normal beat on this album, but it's still not enough to save this song from sucking. Who wants to hear a song about Mike's mother's mother? I'm not saying don't record this song, I'm just saying don't release this song.

And why do rappers think we give half a shit about their family? I mean, I know that every genre of music does it, but at least the others keep it general enough so you can apply it to what ever you choose. In this case, unless your grandma told you to keep promoting yourself in the strip club or you have an Uncle June, you can forget about relating to this song. By the way, Mike Jones made sure to shout himself out at the beginning before getting to topic of his dead gramms.

2 out of 5

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