Destiny's Child - Destiny Fulfilled
Ok, Destiny's Child has released their latest, Destiny Fulfilled. This is a really popular record, despite the dumb ass, ego maniac title they chose. But, I'm sure that title is nowhere near as dumb as this album cover. Some how, a random chick snuck into the photo shoot and crammed her way in between Beyonce and Kelly. Who is this chick? I guess my eyes just naturally shift from this stowaway when she comes on screen. I'll admit, whenever I see them, I tend to stay overly focused on Beyonce's caboose. Well, enough of that, let's just get this thang cracking...
Lose My Breath
Ok, first's things first. Beyonce is soooo rumpalicious. I need oxygen, asap. [pressing play...]
Oh shit yea! I feel a dance move coming on. I just can't stop moving, y'all.
I mean, I want to, but........I.......Just.......Can't.......Stop........Dancing. This shit is soooo hot! My head is banging so crazy, I can't even hear the lyrics. Shit!
Ok, fuck it. I decided. I'm gonna give it to you mu'fuckas. The move I'm about to hit y'all with was created in 2002. It's called, "The Machine Clap". You start with your feet waist length apart. When the beat kicks in, start bobbing your head and quickly bend your legs at a 45° angle. But, don't go too far down or you'll have an accident. Next, slam your knees together and swing them back and forth. Do it as hard and as fast as you can without hurting yourself. Simultaneously, point one arm towards Pluto and the other towards Venus. Imagine Bob Barker just called you on down, and shake them as vigorously as you can. But, be careful! Staying on beat is crucial. If done correctly, you will rock the fucking party. Guaranteed.
Note: If you care about your Reeboks, keep a fire extinguisher handy, because if done right, they will surely be smoking.
Hells yea. I got this title locked. If this is what Beyonce (ghetto name) and her back up singers are looking for, I'm the Colin Powell of this shit right here.
This song is about what Beyonce, Kelly, and Party Crasher need in their life. No mention of kittens though.
Cater 2 U
Perfecto, cuz I need some catering to. I choose Apple Jacks, the Diff'rent Strokes DVD set, and a showdown with that pirate, Usher.
But, only from you, Beyonce. I'm not interested in anything your back-up-singing, hitchhikers have to offer. [pressing play...]
Pac Damn! This jam may be as slow as Aunt Jemima juice, but fuck yea. This beat is hot fire! The girls are talking about all the things they can do to make their man feel comfortable.
Beyonce, is clearly talking to her beau, Jay Z (I'm blown), and Kelly, I'm sure is singing to her fiancé, Roy Williams of the Dallas Cowboys. Who knows who Human Lint is referring to. Probably some Baltimore factory worker.
No homo, but I actually really like this one.
Take it off, baby.
Not that it is any of my business, but Destiny's Child really needs to obtain better security. Apparently, anyone can show up for anything they do creatively. If that's the case, I'm gonna add some lyrics and hope they get published. Here we go:
Who you know, can make pizza with a sauce like I do?
I aint fucking around shorty, ---- I made it for you!
You like mushrooms and peppers?, Because, baby, me too
How bout cheese and dough? Yea, I know you do.
Well, lucky you, boo...cuz guess what's true?
I spent all that cheese and dough at the mall for you.
By the way, that's copywrited.
Is She The Reason
Where is the punctuaction in this title? All that money and no smarts. Well, fortunately for these chicks, I can help. While I was in the joint I took a class on punctuality. To help the girls for the next album's song titles, I've attached my notes from the class:
today! we Started a class on punctuation - Last night I asked my cellmate what punctuality meant in an effort to gain a headstart on the other classmates - so far so good. He said it means to be ontime for something. Iwas the first one there which I assume earns me an "A" for today - For whatever reason the class lasted an hour. I assume the teacher wanted to teach the other guys what it means to be prompt! But im only guess'ing because i slept through the rest of the class. I figured that i earned the right to snooze considering I did pre-study and showed up 15 minutes early? needless to say - i dont think i will be go'ing back to that class again - its was way way 2 easy
Hope that helps
This should be called, Random Girl
. I'm gonna just start showing up at photo shoots.
I mean, a tricycle is cool, but a third wheel on a bicycle is just problematic. I need Spare Tire to get the fuck outta here. Really, skidaddle.
My bad habit happens to be Michelob Ultra and that gangsta shit. Also, on most weekends, I tend to go a bit overboard on the dance challenges. But, fuck it, suckas be testing me.
Ok. I don't know what these chicks are sangin' about, cuz poetry ain't really my thang, but I like the strings on this one. Actually, this CD is starting to make me feel like a better, nicer person, which is making me nervous. I'm skipping to the next track.
I were Beyonce (no homo), first thing I would do is force Jay-Z to get a lip reduction. [pressing play...]
Whoa, this is a super slowed down version of a song sampled by, Lloyd Banks of the G-Unit. Tough!
If not from there, you might also recognize this jam, because it was originally performed by Crack-Smokin' Natalie Cole. Like mine, her dad wasn't around very long.
Most of you have probably lived your life this way, but not Bobby. I was senteced to a 4 month to 10 year
sentence in the Jig House for kicking ass. It was the worst 10 years of my life. But, I gained a lot of time to think and also learned how to use paper clips. For those that don't know, paper clips can be used as temporary fasteners for two or more leafs of paper, as makeshift earrings when in a style bind, and also as a classroom spear when time for that gangsta shit.
The title of this one reminds me of the most-bestest sensation of triumph
. I like this one already.
Through With Love
Good. Cuz, Jay Z ain't shit anyway, girl. Also, I don't require love. Just constant money, bed aerobics, and chicken strips.
Hmm...I don't like this beat.
Speaking of love, I just read the credits and Kelly gave thanks to her mother, Doris. So sweet. But, hold the presses, because in the next line, she states that Beyonce's mom is the most amazing women she has ever known. What a bitch. I really hope Doris didn't read that.
I don't like this song, but overall, not a bad CD.
Check you later.
4 out of 5