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O.G. Bobby Johnson
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gary coleman
Gary Coleman
Ok, so after months of rangling, I was finally able to set up time to meet with Gary Coleman. I wished the interview could have lasted longer, but I think he was on his lunch break or something. He seemed to be in a hurry to leave. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
O.G. Bobby J: Whoa!
Gary Coleman: What?
O.G. Bobby J: You're short.
Gary Coleman: Um, yea. I know.
O.G. Bobby J: But I mean, like super short.
Gary Coleman: Thanks.
O.G. Bobby J: But, really, you're like jungle gym and monkey bars, short.
Gary Coleman: Damn, Ok!
O.G. Bobby J: Oh...sorry
Gary Coleman: No problem, just move on.
O.G. Bobby J: Ok, let's get started. One request, for the purposes of this interview, can you call me Willis?
Gary Coleman: What?
O.G. Bobby J: Call me Willis.
Gary Coleman: Why?
O.G. Bobby J: Um...My middle name is Willis...so I go by that sometimes. Helps me focus.
Gary Coleman: Whatever. OK
O.G. Bobby J: So, Question: Do you manufacture dust?
Gary Coleman: What?
O.G. Bobby J: I asked, if you manufacture dust?
Gary Coleman: Huh?
O.G. Bobby J: Do you know what Im talking about?
Gary Coleman: Not at all.
O.G. Bobby J: Why don't you ask me?
Gary Coleman: Ask you what?
O.G. Bobby J: Ask me, Willis, what am I talking about?
Gary Coleman: What is the purpose of this interview?
O.G. Bobby J: For your fans to get to know the real Arnold.
Gary Coleman: My name is Gary.
O.G. Bobby J: Right, and I'm Willis.
Gary Coleman: Wait, were you not serious about the Willis thing?
O.G. Bobby J: No, sorry. I was very serious, Pooter Scooter.
Gary Coleman: Huh?
O.G. Bobby J: Are you confused?
Gary Coleman: Very.
O.G. Bobby J: Well, if you want to know what I'm talking about, you have to ask.
Gary Coleman: I know what you're getting at, and I'm not going to say it.
O.G. Bobby J: Whoa. Ok, spaz attack. Let's move on.
O.G. Bobby J: Now, I don't want to embarrass you, but word on the street is that you're a virgin. Is that true?
Gary Coleman: Word on the street?
O.G. Bobby J: Well, I just like to say it that way...but really, what I mean is, I heard it on your A&E Biography. Is that true? You're a virgin? Arnold, you're 37 years old.
Gary Coleman: Please, sir.
O.G. Bobby J: Please what? And, don't you sir me, you punk! You are, aren't you?
Gary Coleman: Well, technically--
O.G. Bobby J: Don't you dare lie to me. This is important, you little sneaky little liar! Be honest.
Gary Coleman: Well fine. I guess, I've never actually done it. I mean, I've never actually stuck it up in there. I've sucked on a couple titties and--
O.G. Bobby J: Goddammit, you litte firepants. Stop it right there! You're lying. I've seen Boyz N' Da Hood. That's exactly what Cuba Gooding Jr. says to Ricky. I know that movie front and back.
Gary Coleman: Oh. Yeah, you're right. Ok, yes, I'm a virgin. In every sense, and yes, I'm totally fine with it. But, can we please move on now? Really. Please.
O.G. Bobby J: OK, sure thing. But, you know...I ask these things because they are important. I'll be moving on now...
O.G. Bobby J: So, have you talked to Webster recently?
Gary Coleman: Who?
O.G. Bobby J: C'mon...Emmanuel Lewis.
Gary Coleman: I don't know him at all.
O.G. Bobby J: Weird.
Gary Coleman: Why is that weird? Why would I know him?
O.G. Bobby J: You really want me to say it?
Gary Coleman: Probably not.
O.G. Bobby J: Ok then! So moving on...I'm sure everyone is curious, Do you really like Life cereal? Or, was that just acting?
Gary Coleman: That wasn't me.
O.G. Bobby J: Oh, sorry about that.
Gary Coleman: It's ok.
O.G. Bobby J: But, do you like Life cereal?
Gary Coleman: Um, I haven't had it in years, but yeah. I like it.
O.G. Bobby J: Awesome!
O.G. Bobby J: So, what are you eating nowadays?
Gary Coleman: Please! Has this interview started?
O.G. Bobby J: WHAT?? Totally!!
O.G. Bobby J: Ok, so, do you like sand juice or wish you could speak to bugs?
Gary Coleman: What??
O.G. Bobby J: Are you confused?
Gary Coleman: Dude, no! I'm not saying it!
O.G. Bobby J: Call me Willis!
Gary Coleman: Willis, this interview is over!
O.G. Bobby J: Well, it was really nice getting to know you better.
Gary Coleman: No problem.
O.G. Bobby J: Wait, one last thing. Pistoliciousness is dangerous, No?
Gary Coleman: What?
O.G. Bobby J: Ask me.
Gary Coleman: Goodbye!

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